Just got off the phone with a cousin of mine. I REALLY miss my London Family:-( Lord only knows when I’ll have money to visit them:-(
So my father calls me this morning to ask if my 24 yr old brother is with me. Mofo what? Now my brother lives like 1.5 hrs away from me and is working this summer, so why would he be with me. Evidently my parents haven’t seen his car and were now worried. So I call this boy and text him a few times, no response. Now I start worrying. And I worry a lot in general about the people I love more than I’d like to admit…. So the fact that this boy was not answering, had my mind going in a thousand directions. Like he might not pick up with my parents, fine, but he doesn’t ignore my calls. He could text me on some ” I’m fucking right now” and granted the image would disturb me a bit, but cool, do you - have fun with that. But for the thirty minutes it took for him to respond, my heart was in my mouth. I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, which quickly resolved itself with his text replying to say that he was working in court today.
Now if this is how I react to a grown 24 year old man, what on God’s earth am I going to do with my own kids. I sometimes hear folks say having kids, is like giving birth to your heart and letting it walk around in public. If that is the case, I’m fucked! I can’t handle the stress of knowing that in one instance, with one phone call, your life can turn upside down. I don’t know man…that shit might not be for me.
It’s a good cry though:-)
My 87 year-old grandfather in Nigeria is getting married for the umpteenth time because Ramadan season is approaching and he needs someone to cook for him.
Just had dinner with my dad @ Buka in BK…. three take aways
1. When my dad isn’t berating me about my life and lack of money and why I am not going to Harvard….he’s cool to hang out with and I actually like him.
2. Being of mixed ethnicity with my mom (Jamaican) doing most of the cooking… when I think of comfort food I think: jamaican chicken soup, ackee and saltfish, dumpling and bananas, etc. However, Eba, chicken stew with efo ati dodo….brings as much comfort to me as the aforementioned meals.
3. Palm wine might seem like juice but two bottles later… I’m tipsy….won’t sleep on that stuff again.
It’s been three years today. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost called you (I’m never taking that number out). I miss random phone calls and meet ups, stealing your clothes, letting you steal mine, talking about boys, careers, future weddings, future kids…..and everything in between. We understand each other…. I can be as strange and as geeky and as eclectic as I wish to be…..You understand that…. Damn I miss you…I really need to hear your voice. Your face is in my head, but your voice is gone…my memory’s playing games and I feel like I’m losing you.
Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t go to the cemetery, but I don’t remember where it is, I don’t remember the name (I know!!), and since you don’t have a headstone, I wouldn’t even know where to walk to (I’m the most sorry about the latter….I’ll get my shit together one of these days so I can buy one). But truthfully, the hard thing to admit is that I didn’t want to go… I buried your shell not You… I don’t need a plot of land and a headstone to talk to you. But I’d really love to hear your voice…..
